Reader, I saw it.
On Friday 27th February, I went to see Fifty Shades of Grey – *HYPOCRITE ALERT* – I know, I know! I wrote an excessive blog about hating the book, but I couldn’t help it! I caved! Judge me accordingly, but Jamie Dornan is beautiful.
I didn’t go alone – Hollie & Anouska accompanied me on this shameful/sensational cinema visit. The film has made my fury for the franchise subside a little; partly due to the audience wetting themselves with laughter, and partly because almost all of the parts that originally infuriated were left out:
- Anastasia Steele did not refer to her vagina as ‘my sex’ and Christian didn’t talk about its ‘intoxicating smell’.
- Christian’s helicopter was actually impressive (again, the physical one he flies, not the penis trick).
- Jamie Dornan made Christian Grey’s cringe-factor much less, well, cringe.
- Dakota Johnson made Anastasia Steele relatively endearing/funny.
- Tess of the D’Urbervilles wasn’t used as justification for male dominance/female submission.
There was, however, one thing that made me want to punch a hole in the cinema screen. Anastasia was eating toast in Christian’s bed. Christian leant forward, rested close to Anastasia’s face and took a hefty bite out of the burnt bread. This was a) not sexy, b) funny, and c) one of the most unrealistic parts of the film.
Beat me with a belt if you want Christian – but if you ever touch my food, you will suffer the consequences. You may have the physique of a demi-god and a face that makes ovaries pop like corn, but you are NOT allowed to share my food. EVER.
All jokes aside, the film is pretty poor, and even Dornan couldn’t make being a massive misogynist control freak look that desirable. Avoid if you’re not a fan of his face (or if you don’t like watching people share food).
(Image courtesy of: http://swoonworthy.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/fifty-shades-of-grey-gif-5.gif)